Dodger Dog to Get Makeover

Dodger DogThe classic Dodger Dog, the ten-inch hot dog served steamed or grilled for the last 29 years unchanged, will get will get revamped before the next baseball season making it both vegan and gluten-free.

“Our goal is to make the dog more available to more patrons,” said new Executive Chairman of Concession Services at Dodger Stadium, Alistair Hume. “Many Angelenos follow strict diets that prevent them eating the Dodger Dog in its current form. We want to tweak the dog just a little so that we can get more dogs in more people’s hands.”

The tweak to the dog will include no longer making it from beef and pork but instead pasteurized beans and kale and serving it in a lettuce wrap instead of a bun.

According to Dodger Stadium statistics, the love of the Dodger Dog has declined by almost twenty percent over the last ten years. At its peak in 1985, there were 2 million Dodger Dogs sold each year. However, numbers have fallen from 1.3 million dogs in 2005 to now a little more than 1 million a year.

Still, many fans of the traditional hot dog are not excited about the makeover.

“Half our city is now gluten-free, the goddamn hippies,” said jumbo tron operator Pete Smith. “What are they going to take from us next? Are they going to try and tell me that nacho cheese is really just plastic?”

The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council has been lobbying for close to 50 years to keep hot dogs in baseball stadiums. They even established their own medical research clinic, the Frankfurter Medical Institute of Wienerwurst (FMIW), whose mission was to educate the public on all the health benefits of hot dogs and sausages. The institute has published various articles articulating how hot dogs can lower depression and increase mental awareness. But it seems they have even given up the fight.

“Our country doesn’t care about tradition anymore,” said Arnold Hushpuppy, CEO of the FMIW. “Apparently, our body of research for the last 50 years means nothing to these new health hacks. Thanks a lot, Obama.”

The Dodger Dog will be out in April.

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