McDonald’s Picks Up Lucrative Contract with Subway’s ‘Jared’

Jared McDonald'sTwo days after spokes model Jared Fogle ended a twenty-year relationship with Subway due to an alleged child pornography charge, McDonald’s signed Jared to an exclusive five-year contract worth millions.

“Jared has many similar qualities that we value here at McDonald’s,” said McDonald’s  Vice President Linda Marine at a press conference this Tuesday. “Just like McDonald’s, Jared caters to and targets the young. Jared himself based the kid’s playpen he has at his house on a local McDonald’s model.”

“Also, just like the Ronald McDonald charity, Jared has his own charity that you guessed it works with children.”

Marine went on at length for almost two hours highlighting the connections between the two and how Jared will undoubtedly bring back McDonald’s slumping sales.

“The only problem we can foresee right now is Jared’s weight loss,” said Marine.  “We would prefer for him to gain back the two hundred pounds he lost with Subway. We want customers to understand that our food is so delicious, it’s impossible to control yourself and you’ll gain weight. Unlike Subway, which is so disgusting that most customers equate it to eating cardboard and can only eat about 500 calories of it before coming down with a severe case of IBS.”

Jared Fogle’s apparent dumping by one company and subsequent rise with another follows a trend of many other celebrities, sports figures, and spokes models. Earlier this year after Lance Armstrong’s apparent DUI, Fireball signed him to a five million dollar contract while other sponsors like the Coalition to Fight Cancer left him. Oscar Pistorious was dropped by Reebok only to rebound with the Smith & Wesson gun company.

Meanwhile, McDonald’s has petitioned to Subway to use part of their slogan, changing it from “Eat Fresh” to “Get Em Fresh.”

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