New Gay Vaccine to Hit the Market Early

Gay VaccinePfizer announced that it will move up the release day of its new gay vaccine due to increased funding from the Koch Brothers.

The new vaccine called Straight for Life (SFL), promises to cure gayness and its side effects such as flamboyancy in boys and butchness in girls. Presently it’s only in suppository form with researchers hoping to make it in pill form in the next five years.

In recent clinical studies, the vaccine showed a 75 percent decline in flamboyancy among men 12-35 and a 95 percent decline in butchness among women 13-25. Effectiveness in eliminating same sex intercourse is the same as abstinence only education on teenage pregnancy.

Pfizer has been aggressive in their advertising for the drug spending up to $5 million on television ads. One commercial marketing to youngsters has already aired for over 700 hours on television. The ad goes as follows:

“Gay and tired of being gay?“

“Are you tired of the look of disappointment on your father’s face? Or going on awkward dates your mom set up?”

“If the answers yes, then Straight for Life could be for you. It ensures you want to sleep with people of the opposite sex and only the opposite sex.”

While there is a lot of negative media attention against the drug, the motives behind the negativity are somewhat varied.

Jenny McCarthy is vehemently against the vaccine but not because she is pro-gay. She believes that the vaccine will give people polio.

Andy Dick doesn’t believe flamboyancy should be attached to any gender or hindered in any way.

Divorce lawyers believe the economic impact of gay divorce will revitalize their struggling industry.

For it or against it, the vaccine hits shelves on Monday.

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